It is almost 2024, and we have a significant problem.

Time often passes without conscious awareness, and suddenly, I am rounding the corner into December, yet my body and brain still feel like it is September. Trick-or-treaters are knocking on my door, and I still have the lingering tan of summer. Holiday activity reminds me the days of the year are fewer. The promise of 4 months of colder, darker times approaches, and I rely on Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas to keep me lighthearted. This year, it's not enough. Not even close.

I am no longer unconscious. I am acutely aware that numerous families in my community lack the luxury of light-heartedness or even much light, at all. They have buried their children, their sisters and brothers, nieces and nephews, students, friends, teammates, and church members because children are choosing to end their lives in my community. I am a psychotherapist trauma specialist, and I know the only way out is to talk about it. Again, and then again, and then again until children stop completing their deaths.

Twelve children completed suicide in my community in less than 60 days. The question is less about "How did we get to the end of the year?" and more about "How the hell is it possible that children in my community are choosing to complete suicide?"

I don't have an answer because there isn't AN answer. We can blame the usual suspects: social media, the internet, high rates of depression, lack of access to mental health resources, youthful ignorance, political leaders, gun violence, etc.; the list goes on and on. While these variables tremendously influence our children, we are still missing something. We must be missing something, and we are beyond blame.

In a 2021 report from Common Sense Media, we learned that teen boys' average daily entertainment screen time is almost 10 hours a day; for girls, it is 8 hours a day. This time exposes your children to images (most with sexual messaging of sorts), videos (most with sexual messaging of sorts), text messages, cyberbullying, exploitation, comparison, rejection, etc., for more time than they spend with you. They are in the hands of strangers who do not care about them more than they are with you.

Children have gotten used to being alone because they think they are not alone online. The connection through screens pales in comparison to the richness of interacting with the physical presence of another human: their face, breath, laughter, touch, and the comfort of their energy. We, the parents, are also interacting with our screens. We, too, have gotten used to being alone because we think we are not alone online.

Children are alone online. Adults are alone online. Given the evidence, not surprisingly, our nation's Surgeon General, Dr. Vivek Murthy, published a 2023 study titled "Our Epidemic of Loneliness and Isolation." Dr. Murthy states, "Our epidemic of loneliness and isolation has been an underappreciated public health crisis that has harmed individual and societal health. Our relationships are a source of healing and well-being hiding in plain sight… we must prioritize building social connection the same way we have prioritized other critical public health issues..." Dr. Murthy is right. Our way out is rebuilding connection.

Children do not know how to be lonely. They are not built for it. Their brains are not fully formed to understand impermanence as adults do. Loneliness and social isolation in childhood increase the risk of depression, anxiety, disordered eating, alcohol and drug use, sexual behavior, suicidality, and complete suicides. This, coupled with object permanence ignorance, provides the framework for our crisis.

Children are not equipped to handle loneliness; their developing brains cannot comprehend impermanence like adults. Loneliness and social isolation in childhood heighten the risk of various challenges: depression, anxiety, disordered eating, substance use, risky sexual behavior, suicidal thoughts, and, clearly, completed suicides.

Dear reader, we are here: Children are committing suicide. Children are killing themselves. 12 years of age. No more days ahead. A short time on earth. They are gone.

Not just a few days ago, a patient of mine sent me a copy of an email she received from her child's school.

Therein, I encountered a darkness I wasn't prepared to ingest.

"10 deaths in the valley, 2 in Mountain Home, and 7 in the past 30 days (this was 15 days ago, and two more completed suicides very recently confirmed).

Several Treasure Valley youth have been confirmed to be victims of the following scam: On social media, Snapchat in particular, the youth is ‘befriended’ by another ‘youth’ who lives in the area and attends another school. Rapport and trust build with the targeted child. Eventually, they are asked to provide the "friend" with a photograph. Sometimes, this photograph is explicit; other times, it is an innocent picture manipulated into something that looks compromising. The youth is then blackmailed by the unknown "friend" that the photo will be sent to their friends, parents, teachers, church leaders, etc. unless demands are met. These demands include large amounts of money, sexual favors, etc. The youth feel ashamed and that they have "no way out" and complete suicide."

Take a deep breath. And another.

Please reread the above paragraph. Now, take a deeper breath.

We are here. HERE WE ARE.

We must stop acting like we can avoid this. We cannot.

I don't want you to be the parent who discovers their child's lifeless body because we deluded ourselves into thinking it couldn't happen to us, all while unconsciously letting time slip away on our phones and all the while becoming lonelier.

As adults, we must set aside our phones, headphones, computers, podcasts, and jobs and engage directly with our children – placing our faces and bodies in front and next to theirs. We must recognize our children hold minimal power; they are tiny beings navigating a world that demands them to be rapidly mature in too many ways, be less kind and compassionate, and achieve tremendous success and financial status than ever before.

Our children are lonely. Our children are lonely. They do not know how to ask for help. Clearly.

Suicide is often an attempt to escape unbearable suffering, not necessarily a desire to end life itself. We must broaden our perspective beyond traditional red flags and recognize our children are living in a world far more dangerous than the one our parents did. Children have learned a different affect, language, and orientation to the world at such young ages. We must look differently because it is different. We did not grow up in this world; we can't expect to hold it to past interpretations and expectations and get better results.

The horror isn't in our children having internet and social media access. The horror is the darker aspects of the online world have access to OUR children, and we are not listening.

You cannot take their phones because they are part of their life, safety, and access to you.

Go home to your kids. Listen to the cadence of their breath. Listen to the weight of their sighs. Hear their anxiety and believe them. Listen to their fear and believe them. Tell them you believe them. Look into their eyes and listen again. Then again, and again, and again. We cannot fight our way out, talk our way out, or blame our way out of this crisis.

The only way out is to get still and listen in a way you've never listened before.

We must summon the courage to show our kids we are listening because WE ARE HERE.